To my Dearest Little Milk Man
Tonight, as I look down at your perfect face and incredible skin, I shed a tear again. The intense emotions of being your mother were something I was never warned about. Every moment of every day is filled with pride, happiness, love, fear, worry and anxiety.
Long before you came into my life I knew I wanted you. Years before the blue line in a little window, I’d imagined how you’d feel in my belly. I’d willed you to exist. I’d wished you’d hurry up. I’d dreamt of little hands and podgy feet and eyes that looked up at me in wonder. But never, in all my willing and wishing and dreaming and wanting had I ever even touched on the reality. The pure, unadulterated joy of being Your Mum.
You’re an incredible little fellow. You are handsome, the whole world can see that. Your blue eyes twinkle and tell stories about things you can’t possibly have seen. Your dimples furnish your tiny cheeks and show your amusement at the latest thing your big brother has done to amuse you. Your gummy smile is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen and for as long as I live, I shall never tire of seeing it.
Your personality is just fantastic. At just 7 months you’ve learned how to wind both me and Daddio up completely. You know who to smile at and when, in order to get exactly what you’d like. And you can already make us laugh, so much, with your little tricks and perfect timing.
The feeling of your tiny hand in mine makes me feel like everything I ever thought was important has melted away. And I’m left as only a mother. Your Mother.
Every moment of my life is now a terrifying mix of worry and excitement. I am so eager for your next milestone, yet so sad that you need me a tiny bit less every day. The thought of you finally mastering crawling is phenomenal, yet the idea that I’ll never see you learn to do it again is overwhelming. There is no way to explain the feelings rationally. They are a million miles away from rational.
One day you will read this. You won’t need my help, or for anyone to help you to sound-it-out. You will have learned to walk, to run, to drive. You will have fallen and hurt yourself a hundred times and got back up to try again. And every time you do, you will need my help a little less to recover. And you will learn to overcome the bump in the road.
But tonight, in this moment, you need me. You look to me for food, for comfort, for clean bums and bath time splashes. And for every bleary eye night feed, every teething scream, every explosive nappy, every tantrum, nip and punch – I thank you. Because I am so utterly grateful to experience it all. To be able to look at your little face and know that I am able to make it smile. To stroke your little hand as you sleep beside me.
Grateful to be Your Mummy.