My 7 year old bloody loves science. He asks me regularly to help him think of things to look at under his microscope. He lives for the days when the science teacher visits his class. He would pay good money to watch shit blow up.
What he hasn’t yet realised is that my daily life is a serious of scientific experiments…
1 How long can I hold in a pee?
I drink a pint of water with my vitamins in the morning because I want to live long enough to not worry about how long I can go hold a pee. I then have a coffee (decaff because I wouldn’t want to be up all night…pahahahaha). Then I dance Mini Milk to sleep and settle down on the couch underneath him. It’s at this point I regret the water…
2 How far does a nipple stretch?
And why does my baby want to find out?
3 Is the 3 second rule safe?
Let’s not give the floor food to the baby. Because feeding a child who happily eats floor fluff something they threw on the floor is wrong…eating it yourself…well…it’s called lunch.
4 How many Minecraft anecdotes does it take to induce insanity?
We are at 435,789,932. I’m only nearly certifiable.
5 How long can a human survive on cold tea, floor food and chocolate eaten in secret?
10 and a half months and counting…
6 How long does it take for clean black clothes to attract snot?
7 What colour stain will a slice of toast make on a white vest?
Orange. Bloody orange.
8 What foods will be favoured by a hungry and tired 7 year old?
Not the meal you cooked. That’s poison. The meal they didn’t like yesterday? That’s their favourite now.
9 How much poo can a nappy hold?
Less than you need it to.
10 What effects the speed a child moves at?
How soon you need to be somewhere, how far away the thing they’re not allowed to touch is, how much patience a parent has left…
But the most important scientific experiment my boys have put me through?
How can you love someone this much and not burst?
It can’t be possible…